What the cork is going on?

Santa Claus found collapsed under a Christmas tree while delivering yet another round of presents.

Miguel Da Lei, one of his elves, who was helping out on this delivery said Santa seemed confused as he mumbled: “what the cork is going on?” Da Lei said that due to an unprecedented number of presents made of cork, which is environmentally sound and lightweight, the deliveries have been taking place at a faster rate, with the reindeer reaching faster speeds on magical dust. “The quicker delivery has meant that Santa has been racing around like never before, taking a toll on the old man from North “ he said.

SANTA CLAUS FOUND COLLAPSED UNDER A CHRISTMAS TREE

The Daily Nail run the story
Across the pond, the Examiner released 2 editions on the peculiar event

According to Da Lei, Santa have been delighted to deliver presents made of cork as they are 100% environmentally friendly – but the “excitement got on top of him.” However, Da Lei was detained for questioning, after telling a young police officer attending the scene that best things in life were natural, like corkworks.

He was released soon afterwards but told us that it was humiliating to be taken to the police station in an Elf’s outfit. Da Lei, who had previously been a broker with acting ambitions, explained that the magical dust is for reindeer only and any traces found on his outfit were purely accidental. He didn’t comment about getting the job to become an Elf despite failing the drugs test and replied instead: “At least my height was right!” Asked if he was looking forward to Christmas, he was downbeat, saying “I’ll be looking for a job the next day”. He faces no further questioning after the police recognized that the arrest was a misunderstanding due to Da Lei’s thick accent.

In Santa’s bag further items made from cork were found including women’s cork bags, man’s cork wallets and large quantities of cork wall panels, and even chairs, an official source reported.

Asked about the incident, Santa said ”I’m fine, but worried as to how I will explain the scratches on my back, to my wife…yet again.”

Both Santa and Miguel Da Lei resumed their Christmas deliveries after a cup of tea and cookies and milk for Santa, who declined them on the basis of being constipated. He did, however, accept oysters and a pint of ale from the fishmonger’s stall.

An official statement released later by Santa clarified: “Santa has been delivering Christmas presents for over 300 years and loves the job. We want to remind people that he who has not Christmas in his heart will never find it under a tree. It added: to perceive Christmas through its wrappings becomes more difficult with every year, even for us. Having said that, a gentle reminder that online, there’s no time; it’s always Christmas.

Santa is very excited about the new requests for presents made of cork as it’s eco-friendly and cork is harvested from trees, which rejuvenate and live longer afterwards. Just like Santa wants to feel every day. So please no more milk and cookies – he’s at a different stage now – and let others know about it.”

The statement, contrary to public expectations, also vehemently denied reports that Santa was getting a job at the Treasury: “such rumbling rumours are completely unfounded.  Telling the government what to do and having your children paying for it, is the opposite of his raison d’être.”

Welcome to the world of cork

you’re in for a surprise

A REMARKABLE MATERIAL

versatile and sustainable

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IN FASHION

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IN WALL PANELS

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IN CHAIRS

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CORK LIKE YOU’VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE

exciting new designs

Raw Material

Natural cork is one of the planet’s most versatile, sustainable and useful materials. It is used to make everything from wine stoppers to high-fashion items, to building materials. Natural cork can even be found as insulation on the space shuttle.

Recyclable Material

Cork is easily recycled, and has a wide range of by-products. Cork feels similar to leather yet it comes from a tree.

Sustainable

Cork production is widely considered sustainable because the cork tree is not cut down to obtain cork; only the bark is stripped to harvest the cork

CO emissions

Cork Oak forests prevent desertification and CO emissions. A cork oak tree once it’s been debarked, fixes on average, five times more CO2

FASHIONABLE AND FUNCTIONAL

get into Santa’s bag

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